The Archive
| Not affilliated with Qantas airlines - in fact, they hate us |
Foreign ownership of Qantas rise to at least 47.2%
From: The Business Spectator (more at: www.businessspectator.com.au) Posted May 8, 2009
Qantas says foreign investors have increased their stake in the airline to 47.2 per cent through recent share purchases. "Based on the most
recent reconciliation which commenced on 21 April 2009 and just completed by the Qantas Share Registry, Link Market Services, Qantas
advises the market that due to recent purchases, foreign persons had a potential relevant interest in 47.2 per cent of Qantas shares," the
airline said in a statement to the ASX. Under Qantas' constitution, the maximum aggregate level foreign investors are allowed to hold is 49
per cent. The 47.2 per cent stake has increased by 5.9 per cent since March 5, 2009, when it stood at 41.3 per cent
Australian Government: staff required to fly more Virgin airlines to save money
From: Canberra Times (more at: www.canberratimes.com.au) Posted Feb. 26, 2009
The Federal Government's directive to fly on airlines other than Qantas between Sydney and Canberra is not working.
The Finance Department directed all government agencies in February last year to use smaller airlines for at least 25
per cent of the Sydney-Canberra flights, however only 12% was actually done. The worst offenders in September were
the Defence Department and the Australian Bureau of Statistics, which used Qantas for 95% of all flights. ACT senator
Gary Humphries said "we all know that the fares available on airlines like Virgin are lower than Qantas's, and quite substantially lower''
Qantas shares continues to decline – buys back 500,000 more shares
From: The Business Spectator (businessspectator.com.au) Posted April 30, 2008
Qantas bought back 500,000 shares on-market ($3.41) on April 23, and now have only 104,437,576 shares still outstanding. This is a price
change from previous trading day of -2.3% and a market capitalization of only $6.8 billion after being offered over 11 billions just 10 months
ago (38% down).
Qantas Rebooks passengers to accommodate other airlines
From: Press release from Hong-Kong Transport and Housing Bureau (posted: April 11, 2008)
Emergency measures coordinated by the Hong-Kong Government in response to the bankruptcy of Oasis Hong Kong Airlines have resulted
in “special arrangements, which include extra flights, special one-way tickets with discounted fares and priority bookings” on Qantas
according to a spokesman for the Transport and Housing Bureau. “We appreciate very much the quick response and prompt assistance
offered by the airlines operating on the Hong Kong - London routes” the spokesman said. How much Qantas passengers appreciated being
re-routed was not disclosed.
Flight delays at Sydney airport
From: 7 News (au.news.yahoo.com) Posted April 5, 2008
Half of the air traffic controllers at Sydney airport have called in sick, causing flight delays. Qantas confirmed flights had been delayed by
between 30 and 60 minutes. Airservices Australia (ASA), which is in charge of air traffic control, said it had three of its six controllers call in
sick for the afternoon shifts. "We have fewer controllers than we'd have on a normal shift so we have had to reduce the number of arrivals
and departures into Sydney to maintain safety."
Qantas Plane with Dents and a possible Hole
From: Nick N at Sydney Airport Message Board (yssyforum.net) posted April 3, 2008
Spotted this the other morning and took a few
pics. What would cause that sort of pattern denting
on the lower fuselage? [Ed: Qantas plane
registration VH-TJO]
Analysts “Qantas will loose $200 million next year”
By A. Carswell, News Australia (www.news.com.au) Posted April 3, 2008
QANTAS will have $200 million wiped from its earnings when Virgin Blue's new international carrier V Australia becomes fully operational,
analysts believe. V Australia will start its first flight on the Australia-US route later this year, elbowing its way into one of the most lucrative
markets in world aviation. With only United Airlines to compete with, the trans-Pacific route has been a cash cow for Qantas for years. Now V
Australia looks set to grab a slice of the action, a move that analysts believe could add at least $100 million to Virgin Blue's annual earnings.
V Australia will connect our cities with the west coast of the US with its new Boeing 777-300ER. Its initial price offering of $1899 for a return
ticket from Sydney to Los Angeles undercuts Qantas' best fare on the route by 16 per cent.
Qantas Fights to Keep Monopoly Status
Input from: Asia Travel Tips (www.asiatraveltips.com) Posted Mar. 16, 2008
In order crush competition and maintain its monopoly status, Qantas is to operate a record 47 services
to the United States each week, when it commences new services from Brisbane and Sydney from 27
March. Qantas Executive General Manager, Mr John Borghetti, said, "Importantly, the additional services from Brisbane will see Qantas offer
a daily, non-stop service between Queensland and California for the first time. "These additional flights will add around 800 seats each week
on the route, providing new travel opportunities for Queenslanders and for Americans visiting Australia." In doing so Qantas is expected to
prevent any competitors in entering the market and the move is expected to allow Qantas to maintain its high profit margins on Australian and
American passengers.
Auckland District Law Society: Qantas Fines are too Small
By: Paula Rebstock, Commission Chair, 7 March 2008
President's Speech: "The fact that financial penalties are not enough was demonstrated clearly in Australia when, having been fined for its
role in the air cargo cartel, Qantas Chief Executive Geoff Dixon was quoted as saying “ we do not believe this or any further financial
penalties will materially affect future operating results”. When you consider the $ US 68 million fine Qantas has to pay against the more than
$ US 600 million the airline earned from cargo alone in the six years it is alleged the cartel operated – it is easy to understand why a fine
alone is not seen as a sufficient deterrent".
Qantas lose $240 millions on cancelled IT projects
From: Michael Krigsman at (blogs.zdnet.com), March 2, 2008.
Qantas, has endured two high-profile IT failures in recent years and a third major project appears to be at substantial risk. In many respects,
the company offers a case study for examining how underlying management issues can cause multiple IT projects to go bad. Qantas
canceled its project eQ technology services contract with IBM, four years into a ten-year agreement. The overall program cost was $200
million. In February, 2008, Qantas canceled Jetsmart, a $40 million parts management system. The union said the software unnecessarily
increased its members’ workload. At that time, the union advised mechanics employed at Qantas to “not assist with the implementation”. The
carrier’s 50-year-old IT shop is presently wrestling with the management of 700-odd applications, many of which are written in older
programming languages and is serviced by an aging group of programmers. Peter Gregg’s, the CFO's attitude toward the users seems
bizarre: "We wouldn’t ask the engineers what their views on our software systems were. We’ll put in what we think is the appropriate for us.".
In effect, Gregg has issued a senior-level policy against project success. Steven Purvinas, the union’s Federal Secretary explained the
software was poorly designed and difficult to use, and that engineers didn’t receive sufficient training. Qantas' IT expenditures increased 8%
in the second half of 2006 and 26% in the same period in 2007.
Qantas Buys Jetset: Record profits!
From: Qantas press releases, Feb. 21, 2008
In an effort to reduce competition and maintain high prices, Qantas annouced today that it will buy Jetset. According to a press release the
"proposed merger which will create a leading vertically integrated travel services business in Australia with significant growth potential". As
part of the deal Qantas will get out of some businesses in exchange for Jetset. "Qantas will own 58 per cent of Jetset's share capital". The
merged company will dominate travel in the Australia and New Zealand and be a "top travel business in the region". In a separate press
release, the company annouced that it had record profits of A$905 million for the second half of 2007, fueled by continued high ticket
prices and close to monopoly status in the region.
Two-stabbed: Qantas wants fewer staff - Changes only after Attempted Hi-jacking
The in-flight stabbing of two Qantas flight attendants has prompted the Federal Government to walk away from airline demands for reduced
crewing. Aviation Minister John Anderson confirmed, this week, that Government would not support industry demands for a 28 percent fall in
crew-passenger ratios but FAAA official, Daryl Watkins, is warning of a re-think when memories dim of the near disaster on a Melbourne-
Launceston flight. "Those guys were heroes," he said of union members Greg Khan, 38, and Denise Hickson, 25, "they prevented a serious
incident. "Arising from this incident we have been working hard with Martin Ferguson's office on the issue and Anderson has stated it
(staffing) won't be changed but, give it a year, and it will come up again." Airlines had been pushing hard for a reduction from one crew to 36
passengers to a crew member for every 50 customers. Anderson appeared to be on the brink of green-lighting the proposal before a man
attempted to crash Qantas Flight 1737 last month. Armed with filed down 15cm wooden stakes and what appeared to be a silver aerosol can,
he attempted to take over the plane mid-flight. Crew and passengers fought to overcome him, with Khan being stabbed through the neck and
Hickson slashed across the face. Watkins said the incident bore out the union's argument that crewing was a central safety issue for air
travellers.
Qantas Covers Up Entertainment System Problems
From www.smarthouse.com.au By D. Richards
Airline spin doctors are attempting to cover up a massive failure of the Qantas in-flight entertainment system which has forced passengers to
fly long distances with any form of entertainment for up to a year.The issue first revealed by SmartHouse News a week ago is so bad that
Qantas airline staff have now turned to their Association in an effort to protect themselves from angry passengers. Hundreds of emails sent to
SHN reveal that the problem is widespread across the entire Qantas 747/400 fleet and has been for more than 12 months. last week the
Executive General Manager of Qantas Engineering, David Cox said " We have had some issues with our new on demand IFE system. As with
any complex system, there have been some technical issues. Although we have had some intermittent problems, the system is generally
working well. The problems usually involves a small number of seats and the passenger can moved a different seat in these cases"
We are dedicating considerable resources to address these reliability issues, including through the supplier, Rockwell Collins". The lack of
entertainment on Qantas aircraft is now occurring on most Qantas International 747/400 flights and has been for a long time as emails to
SmartHouse reveal. David Lyons of Sydney said "I travel frequently between Sydney and LAX, 6 times in 2006.Ever since the on-demand
system has been available there has been at least one problem per flight. Everything from no entertainment for the whole flight to more
typically reverting back to the old movie program where movies run to a schedule. I have also had the experience where the controller
doesn't work properly or at all, and where the picture on the screen has been so blurred as to be unwatchable. I am a Gold Frequent Flyer,
but even with this status it is rare to get even a verbal apology. Unfortunatley on the Sydney LAX route there isn't much competition - my
experience of United on this route was even worse! I believe that if more carriers were able to fly this route - perhaps then the Qantas
service would improve and prices fall.
Michael Malyniak of Melbourne wrote " My recent flight from London to Melbourne via HK experienced consistent entertainment problems
(across all classes) resulting in the entertainment system having to first be re-booted (taking 45 minutes) and then be completely shut-down
and restarted (this time taking 1hr15min). On both occasions the entertainment system did not operate. The on-board service manager
however then managed to successfully set up a couple of films (in non "on-demand" mode) by bypassing the Q-Entertainment system
altogether. It took approximately 4hrs from takeoff to establish a mediocre entertainment environment. During this rebooting/restart process
the on-board service manager informed passengers not to touch the controls in their armrest as it would help the system because the system
problems were being caused by everyone accessing the system at once, he said. It certainly is incredibly frustrating as a passenger to be
denied of a so-called world's best entertainment system and more so for the on-board staff who desperately try to fix an issue which is
beyond their control".
Anita Kristina Rozankovic-Stevens said "3 of the long haul flights I have taken in the past year Melbourne-London had major problems with
the in flight entertainment system. And every time the cabin crew 'attempt' to fix it, it has never actually resolved the problem, despite their
assurances. I have seen it affect a few seats and the whole economy class cabin at once. The one thing I am yet to see is cabin staff offer
another seat to a customer with a 'working' entertainment system." She added "I am looking to fly with another airline now because the lack
of services and stuff ups are so common with Qantas that I have began to expect them. After paying thousands of dollars of my ticket
numerous times a year, all I get is a few inches of leg room and an awful meal". Andy Horsefall of Sydney said " I'm a regular traveler on
Qantas (platinum frequent flyer) primarily to Hong Kong and LA/New York. This is not a new or recent problem. On various flights (107/108)
throughout 2006 the system had to be re-booted. So it begs the question that if they are working on it then they have failed to resolve it for
some time which suggests the fix is not an easy nor quick one. And how long have Qantas kept this quiet?
Check-in and Baggage Troubles at Qantas
From: B Cairns (Australia) (Jan 28, 2008) at www.airlinequality.com
BNE-MEL. Having checked in online I was aware that I would simply need to drop my baggage in the Brisbane domestic terminal. Having
travelled on Qantas a few times recently I was aware that their check-in / queuing in Brisbane is woeful. Bear in mind that having checked in
online I am told to arrive at check in no later than 30mins prior to departure and recommended 45mins prior to departure - I had friends drop
me off 90mins prior as I feared the worst. Qantas did not let me down. The bag drop queue extended right throughout 5 or so rows of the
snake in front of the check in desks (many of which were unmanned as usual), right along the baggage reclaim area and almost to Jetstar
checkin. Queuing time to the check in desk was 60mins plus - if you can't meet your own service standards, why continue to print misleading
information regarding cut-off times on boarding passes? The queuing situation causes a great deal of stress, particularly to novice travellers
who fear missing their flights. The haphazard way in which passengers on soon to be departing flights are requested to exit the queue and
"check in immediately" pits one passenger against another - it's really a great way for people to start off a trip. The flight itself, uneventful,
average - Qantas seem to be slowly reducing the service on board at various times of the day, serving miniscule, albeit high quality snacks
and relying on the passenger to prompt for items such as a bottle of water.
Qantas "code-shares" - Passenger pays more for less..
From: Diikkii a Qantas Shareholder (purpleheadedearls.blogspot.com)
Recently, my wife and I flew from Tullamarine to Bangkok. We were advised when we booked the flights that these would be on JetStar, and
this is perfectly understandable, given that it makes perfect business sense to operate code-sharing arrangements. Our problems, however,
started there. Whilst our flights were on JetStar planes, the flight numbers we were given started with QF, meaning that for all intents and
purposes, they were Qantas flights. So you can imagine our surprise when we took our seats to find that all the normal things that we would
expect on a Qantas flight were not there. On Qantas flights, we expect to find meal services, drinks as well as a blanket and pillow. It,
therefore, came as a bit of a rude shock to us to find that we had to pay extra for these on the flight. This is not what one expects when flying
what is expected to be a Qantas flight. While I am doing my best in this not to harp on about what is expected when operating a code-sharing
agreement, the following should be noted: It is the duty of Qantas to ensure that where a code-sharing arrangement exists, an equivalent
level of service is received by the paying passengers. The fact that JetStar was operating the service should in no way be any different than if
the flight was operated by British Airways, Aer Lingus or Burkina Faso Air.
On top of this, at the end of the flight when we went to try to get food, we were told that this was for passengers who had ordered this in
advance and that there was nothing for any other passengers, even if they were prepared to pay. Given all this, we decided to pre-order for
our return flight, and were pleased with the results, however as we were, as has been mentioned before, flying what was in effect a Qantas
flight, this should not have been necessary. JetStar operates clean, new planes with what is probably the most attractive cabin staff I’ve ever
seen. This says more about JetStar’s recruitment policies than it does about me, but they were competent and did their jobs with a smile. It is
a shame, then, that Qantas doesn’t ensure that JetStar provides the rest of the package. Given that Qantas owns JetStar, one would think
that you are in a box seat to ensure that Qantas passengers on JetStar flights are treated with an equivalent level of service to what they
would be if they were on a Qantas flight. This would be a no-brainer with any other company where this sort of thing exists.
An Angry Aussie Explains why he really (really) hates Qantas
From: yobbo.wordpress.com
If you are the type that doesn’t like to read long, whiny posts then I suggest you stop reading now, because I hate QANTAS more than all the
lefties in Australia hate John Howard, if you get where I’m coming from. Warning: The length of this post gives Steven Den Beste a run for his
money, so I’ll do the right thing and include my own cliff note: QANTAS sucks, don’t ever fly with them if you can possibly avoid it. If any anti-
globalisation protestors are reading, please lay off McDonalds for a change and by all means go throw rocks at QANTAS.
The Perth-Singapore route is serviced mainly by 2 large carriers: Singapore Airlines and QANTAS. Anyone who’s done a reasonable amount
of flying around Asia will know that Singapore is probably the best airline in the world, and that QANTAS is easily the worst. It would stand to
reason then, that there would be a bit more demand for Singapore flights, and that they might realise this and put a few more planes into
action, so that the millions of travellers who hate QANTAS aren’t forced to fly with them. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. Singapore flights
are always full unless you book 2 months in advance, so I was again dreading the large amounts of bulls**t and ridiculously bad service that
comes with flying QANTAS. I wasn’t disappointed.
The differences between the two are pretty stark: Singapore, as a company based in Asia, is unburdened by the political correctness
endemic in QANTAS corporate culture that dictates that they must hire the ugliest, rudest old women and most combatitive fauxmosexual men
they can find for cabin stewards. Singapore instead hand-picks the best looking young ladies on the Island and forcibly retires them when
they become ugly. QANTAS apparently gives bonuses dependant on 3 factors: 1.) Ugliness, 2.) Passive-Aggressive customer management
techniques and 3.) Laziness. Master all three disciplines and you might just get made vice-president of customer service at QANTAS.
Singapore also has much better food, and are world leaders in in-flight entertainment. They had the seat-back TV system with Super
Nintendo before just about anyone else, and it’s only recently that QANTAS has tried to catch up, albeit in their own uniquely s**thouse way.
For those who haven’t used the seat-back entertainment system before, it’s basically a pre-programmed system where you can select from
10-20 channels all showing a different looping program consisting of a movie and space filling TV shows. The loop is usually 2.5 hours in
length, so if the movie is only 90 minutes then there will usually be a couple of crappy TV shows like a repeat of “Will and Grace” will all the
sexual innuendo edited out and such. On a flight to Hong Kong you could usually squeeze in 2-3 movies. If the movies are crap you can play
Mike Tyson’s Super Punchout on Super Nintendo until you get to the guy who’s unbeatable, and then go back to watching movies again.
QANTAS have copied the Singapore system piece by piece, right down to the design of the controller/phone pad. Of course, it has been
through a modification in functionality I like to call “QANTASIFICATION”, which, for those of you lacking Yobbo’s 2003 abridged dictionary of
the English language, means something like “Taking something that was really good and making it as s**t as possible with a minimum of
effort” or words to that effect. The first thing QANTAS did with the TV system was take out all the cool retro Super Nintendo games, and
replace them with their own “in-house” games, which were apparently coded by a flight engineer in FORTRAN from the centrefold of a 1978
issue of “Australian Personal Computer”. Titles available on QANTAS include the Christmas blockbuster “Find the matching picture memory
game” and the always popular “We tried to copy Tetris but failed where Indonesian street merchants regularly succeed”. The other clever
innovation QANTAS worked into the system was particularly interesting. Instead of just having 18 channels to choose from like boring old
Singapore, QANTAS decided on the 12/6 system. The 12/6 system is just like having 18 channels except that 6 of them are only available to
Business Class Passengers! That’s right, all 20 of them up there.
Because of their inability to create value for money for business class passengers through the regular channels like, I don’t know, FRIENDLY
SERVICE or perhaps ACTUALLY SUPPLYING DRINKS rather than just pretending to serve them but in reality trying every trick in the book to
get people to sit still and stop fidgeting, QANTAS have had to resort to using the old management trick of “Perceived Equity” to get the
retards who spend $3000 on a flight to keep ponying up the pineapples. *breath* What I mean by this is that QANTAS have restricted access
to the 6 extra channels in economy for the express purpose of making Business Class passengers feel better. It doesn’t cost them anything to
pipe the 6 other channels through every TV setup in the plane. They just won’t let the plebs watch them because they have nothing to offer
their *real* customers except that warm fuzzy feeling that comes from knowing you are superior to the unwashed filth at the back of the plane.
Frivilous as this may sound, it prevented me from watching a film I really wanted to see (”28 Days Later”) for no particular reason, which
pissed me off. AFI winner “Japanese Story” was also restricted to the toffs-only network, which didn’t worry nearly as much when I found out
that it featured a scrawny Japanese MAN rather than dozens of nubile Japanese GIRLS, so stuff it.
The real pisser though, was yet to come. After having planned my viewing program in advance while waiting for the Village People to go
through their oh-so-unnecessary safety demonstration, (look fellas, If the plane crashes I don’t f**king care how the oxygen mask goes on.
Also, I’ll volunteer to carve you f**kers up first if we’re stuck in the Himalayas and out of food.) I had decided on “American Pie 3″ followed by a
random TV program, then the Steven Curry/Vince Colisomo vehicle “Takeaway”. This was the best I could do without accidentally learning
anything, so I was fairly happy. By my calculations that viewing would take around 3 hours and 45 minutes. (Take-away is pretty short, which
is why I picked it). Allowing some time for ascending and descending, I thought it would probably fit in to a 4.5 hour flight. Unfortunately for
me, I had at that point forgotten I was flying on QANTAS, until I was brought back to cold reality. As the Entertainment units were switched on,
the purser announced “Ladies and Gentlemen, before we start our entertainment system, please feel welcome to watch the news and
weather updates from Australia.” Huh? The thing is, there was already a bloody news channel on one of the 12 channels, on which you could
watch the news repeated 5 times on the way to f**king Singapore if you wanted. I don’t watch the news at the best of times, let alone News
from 2 days ago pre-recorded in a QANTAS studio featuring some guy who can’t get a gig on real TV. QANTAS: The whole f**king *point* of
having 12 available channels is that people can watch whatever the hell they want while cramped into your little f**king sardine can of a plane.
*Forcing* people to watch the news defeats the whole f**king purpose of your new entertainment system. A 10 year old child could
understand this. Why can’t you?
In any case, the news (which I didn’t care about) and the accompanied Singapore tourism info (look how clean our streets are yay!) took
about 45 minutes, meaning that I only got to watch the first of my scheduled movies, and the first half hour of the 2nd, before they turned it off
for landing. Thanks a lot (By the way, American Pie 3 is a pretty poor end to the “Trilogy”. They were obviously unable to re-sign Mena Suvari
and Tara Reid, and Chris Klein doesn’t feature either. On the plus side though, the producers have obviously realised that Stiffler (Sean
William Scott) was the key to the success of the first 2 movies, so the 3rd is more or less all about Stiffler, even though it’s not his wedding.)
This all happened on the outbound flight from Perth to Singapore, and along with some of the obligatory rudeness from the service staff,
contributed to what is sadly the best flight I’ve ever had on a QANTAS plane in my life. Sad, but true nonetheless. It was on the way home that
things *really* got interesting.I arrived at Changi Airport a good 2.5 hours before my flight home, and went upstairs to get a feed before the
flight, as I was pretty hungry and wouldn’t be getting an airline meal for at least 4 hours. (Assuming it was edible at all, which is a pretty hefty
assumption.) The food was surprisingly good for an Airport. Got myself a good, old-fashioned steak and chips for SD$9, which is about
AUD$7.50. That s**ts all over anything you’d get at an Australian airport, but Singapore food is surprisingly cheap compared to any other
developed country I’ve visited. With still about 100 minutes to go until the flight was scheduled to leave, I went to the check-in counter to
begin boarding. For some reason, there was a security check before the check-in counter, and it was for passengers only. With nothing else
to do before I left, I said goodbye to my girlfriend and consigned myself to an hour or so in the Airport bar before I took off. HAHAHAHA! This
is QANTAS, Remember?
I lined up in one of the 10 or so lengthy queues for economy check-ins, even though there were at least 7 Qantas business class check-in
counters, none of which has a single person checking in. “Lengthy” isn’t really accurate: There were only 4 or 5 people in front of me, but
they all had a lot of luggage. The girl working at the line I picked was awfully slow. The first 3 couples took about 10 minutes each to check in
for some reason, so it was half an hour before I got anywhere near my turn, and that’s when things went awfully pear-shaped. The couple in
front of me were a problem for some reason. A german bloke, about 50 or so, and his 35-ish Indonesian wife. I think you can work out the
drill. I was thinking they might struggle at Immigration when they got to Perth, but hey, that’s none of my business. Unfortunately, QANTAS
were quite adamant that it was *their* business, and seemingly went to every effort to keep them off the plane. When the woman gave her
passport to the check-in girl, she stared at it blankly for about 5 minutes, then slowly rose to her feet and walked off. I was next in line at this
stage, and quite anxious to get checked in so I could go to the pub. Anyway, this stupid woman walked around the entire bloody airport
showing the passport to all the other QANTAS staff, none of whom were immigration officials of any kind as far as I can tell. She then sat
down and started to talk with another woman who was checking people in at a counter across the concourse. I leant over and started trying to
work out what was going on. The Indonesian woman said that both her husband and herself were permanent residents in Australia, and she
didn’t know what the hell was going on. She shrugged and waited patiently. I was running out of patience fairly quickly as about 20 minutes
had passed since the couple first got to the counter. Nobody had turned up to replace the disappearing check in worker or to instruct the 20
people in the line to move to a different counter. I started to bang the counter and yell “SHOP!” in my best mock-playful tone. (Which is the
tone you use when you are pretending to be kidding around but really aren’t). Nobody took any notice, and myself and the rest of the line just
stood and watched while people who arrived at the check in counter an HOUR before us were checked in through the other lines.
Another 10 minutes passed and I was f**king fed up. I started randomly yelling at people behind the counter to come and sort the situation
out. I’d been standing in line for over an hour and was getting a bit leg-weary. About 5 minutes of shouting later, an important-looking man in
a suit came over and said to the couple “I’m sorry, we are still working out the problem with your visa, can you please step aside while we
check in the other customers in the line?”. Jesus.
2 Questions, QANTAS:
1.) Why the f**k do you care about their visas? As much as you’d like to believe you are, you are not a branch of the Australian government.
They have a valid passport, for f**k’s sake process them and give the power trip away.
2.) WHY THE F**K DID IT TAKE 40 MINUTES TO MOVE THEM ASIDE AND PROCESS THE REST OF THE PEOPLE IN THE LINE?
I got to the counter and requested an emergency exit seat. (Seats in the row with the emergency exit have a bit more legroom, which is quite
handy when you are 6′4″ like me). Once upon, Airlines used to keep these seats open and offer them to tall passengers who couldn’t
otherwise fit into an economy class seat. Not any more. At least, not at QANTAS. I was duly informed that sorry, they are all allocated already,
if you had checked in earlier you might have got lucky. I strongly considered throwing my duty free bottle of bourbon at her f**king head, but
then I remembered that I would need it when I got home. She gave me an aisle seat. The thinking here is that you can stretch your legs into
the aisle if you are cramped for space. It’s a fine theory, but unfortunately all that happens is that the asshole flight attendants simply ram the
trolley into your legs to get you to move out of the way. (Ever hear the words “Excuse me sir, can you move your legs?”?) I’m waiting for the
day that someone gets a broken leg from this and sues QANTAS for every last bloody cent they have. Please god, answer my prayers.
After waiting in line for about 70 minutes, I was finally checked in. With only about 15 minutes to go until boarding time, I no longer had time
for a beer, and took a quick detour to the smoking room to load up on nicotine for the flight. There I found a couple of English lads who
seemed keen for a chat, and I let them in on the secret - that QANTAS is the worst airline in the world, and whatever you do, don’t fly with
them if you can ever avoid it. They were quite surprised, as QANTAS for some reason has a reputation as a GOOD airline. Where that comes
from I have no idea at all. They’ve been s**t as far back as I can remember. Even Garuda is better. In any case, I made a couple of converts.
No need to pay me for the service Singapore - I’ll settle for the address of the hotel where the Singapore girls stay in Perth. E-mail me! I got
on the plane and noticed that the emergency exit seats were full of people who came in at significantly less than 6 foot. I found my seat and
was a little disappointed to find that they had neglected to seat me next to a hot babe. Fortunately, I got the next best thing: An English tourist
with a Manchester United tattoo on his forearm who looked like he liked a drink. Maybe this flight wouldn’t be a total write-off after all! With
dismay I took in my surroundings and realised that our homeward plane was a 767 Longreach. The new, you-beaut entertainment system is
only currently installed on 747-400s run by QANTAS. It’s back to s**tty old 1 movie at the screen right up the front that nobody behind the 8th
row can see. As I was in the 20th row or so, I was going to have to crane my head to see anything if the movie was worth watching. IF.
QANTAS doesn’t bother serving drinks to anyone before the meal nowadays. Not even in business class. Let me just tell you that if I ever did
win Lotto and decide to waste my winnings by flying business class, I’d be screaming bloody murder if they didn’t start offering me drinks as
soon as we were in the air. The super-sweet steward did offer us a bottle of water before take off. This guy was an outlier, he was the only
flight crew member I saw smile during the entire flight. Nevertheless, I rejected his offer of water and said that I would prefer to wait for a real
drink. He gave me a knowing wink.
That was the last we saw of any of the flight crew for the next hour. The movie began and I was not surprised to find that it was an encore
showing of “Takeaway”, which was the film I saw the first half hour of due to QANTAS’ insistence on keeping us all informed of current events
on the flight from Perth. Strangely enough, they didn’t bother with the news this time. I have come to the conclusion that they assume
anybody stupid enough to fly from Changi airport on a QANTAS plane rather than a Singapore one is probably too stupid to appreciate the
news. I would have to concur. In any case, about half way through the movie (Which was about where I got to the first time), it was time to
serve dinner. This meant, of course, that the stewards stood in front of the TV for the entire time. If anyone knows how it all turns out for Little
Trev and Smooth Tony, the plucky Fish and Chip vendors, feel free to let me know, because I couldn’t see anything behind the 200kg
weightlifter who somehow decided that his future lie in the skies as a QANTAS flight attendant. along with our dinner, which was a disgusting
choice of orange cheese-substitute flavoured pasta or Salmon-something-or-other, I finally convinced the steward to give me a drink. I got a
150ml glass of Jim Beam and Coke, which is all of about 4 mouthfuls. My seatmate Tony got himself a can of Fosters. (He’s foreign. It’s not
his fault.) We were finished in pretty quick time and agreed that another drink was in order. We pressed the seatside button and began the
long wait for service. Our drinks came reasonably quickly the first time (About 5 minutes), but the steward was visibly annoyed at having to
actually to actually come to our seat to ask us what we wanted. Typically the drinks are brought around twice on the flight. Once with dinner
and again about an hour and half later. If you don’t ask, you will only be offered 2 alcoholic drinks on a 5 hour flight. This is called “service” in
the QANTAS manual, apparently.
The next round, about half an hour later, was more problematic. I pressed the button again, turning on my light. About 10 minutes later a
steward walked past, looked at me, looked at the light, reached down to my console, turned the light off, and walked away. What the f**k? I
promptly turned the light back on again. 5 minutes later he came back, looking extremely pissed off. “Can I help you with something?”
escaped through his gritted teeth, whereupon I duly informed him that, yes, we would both like another drink. I wanted a Beam + Coke and
Tony a Fosters.By this stage I was getting a bit ahead of Tony due to disparity in the sizes of our drinks. Beer comes in 375ml cans, as I’m
sure we are all aware, but the glasses they give you mixed drinks in are quite tiny. Of course, it’s much cheaper for them to mix duty-free
spirits themselves rather than buy actual cans of Jim Beam and Coke or other pre-mixed cans, so they are really just cheap bastards trying to
save money, and I don’t feel guilty in the slightest for requesting drinks one after the other if they insist of serving them in such tiny amounts.
Would it really be that f**king hard to pack some larger plastic cups?
Anyway, I needed a wedge, and it was becoming pretty crowded in the aisle. The stewards weren’t even bothering to look at the lights any
more, So I wandered up to the bar to get one from the source. They were sitting there, seemingly bored, chatting amongst themselves. I
stood there for a few minutes before one of them worked out that I wasn’t just lost. Drink #5 was acquired with little more than a disgusted
glance. About half an hour out of Perth, Tony and myself were back on level footing, and thought we may as well get one more since we were
having a good time chatting about the relative benefits of living in Australia vs England, the best red light districts in Asia and such things.
Buzzer was pressed and a rather confused looking steward appeared.
“YES?” “G’day, I’ll have a Jim Beam and Coke and he’d like a Fosters please. Thanks.” The guy just wandered off, seemingly at a loss at
what to do. We realised what the gig was when the big-time HEAD STEWARD came and sidled up to us. “Sirs, are you driving home tonight?”.
What the f**king s**t f**k? Seriously, at this stage I really wanted to tell this f**kwit exactly what I thought of his question and his f**king attitude,
but that sort of thing is illegal now. Talking to a steward in a raised voice is known as “Air Rage” nowadays, and likely to get you restrained
and/or arrested after landing. With no other option but to eat s**t and play the game, we answered his ludicrous question in the negative.
Does anyone EVER drive home from the Airport? It costs about $100 a day to park your car there. If you have that sort of money, you can
probably afford a cab. We were subsequently informed that, very well, we could have 1 more drink each, but after that we are CLOSING THE
BAR. Thank you, kind sir, thank you very much for understanding. We are sorry to cause so much trouble. Can we have our drinks now,
please? Cut off after 5 drinks by QANTAS. In the seats nearby, other passengers looked on in bewilderment. We hadn’t so much as made a
sound during the entire flight that was above a whisper, and the portly Irish bloke across the aisle said he’d been keeping count with us and
had only 1 drink less. In any case, the anti-QANTAS rhetoric that Tony had politely listened to earlier in the flight was revealed to all and
sundry to be the unchallengable and plain truth.
The attitude of staff who work for QANTAS airways is consistent and predictable. This isn’t an unfortunate incident of catching some flight
attendants on a bad day. There aren’t many shorter and less stressful international flights than Singapore-Perth. This sort of attitude is what I’
ve experienced on QANTAS every single time I have flown with them in the last 10 years. A strange sidenote is that many Asian passengers
feel that QANTAS staff are racist in their treatment of Asian passengers. A common theme among many flight reports is that they seemed to
be unfriendly towards them. I’ve got news for you guys: They aren’t racist, they treat everyone like s**t. The only people QANTAS will treat
with respect are business class passengers and baby boomers: That is, people who are likely to kick up a fuss if you treat them like s**t.
Everyone else they treat with utter disdain and an attitude that screams “You plebs should be eternally grateful that we even LET you on the
PLANE! How dare you ask for service. Who am I, your mother?” QANTAS doesn’t deserve to exist. I have all my fingers and toes crossed that
Virgin sends the f**kers broke. Australia is counting on you, Mr Branson.
From: The Business Spectator (more at: www.businessspectator.com.au) Posted May 8, 2009
Qantas says foreign investors have increased their stake in the airline to 47.2 per cent through recent share purchases. "Based on the most
recent reconciliation which commenced on 21 April 2009 and just completed by the Qantas Share Registry, Link Market Services, Qantas
advises the market that due to recent purchases, foreign persons had a potential relevant interest in 47.2 per cent of Qantas shares," the
airline said in a statement to the ASX. Under Qantas' constitution, the maximum aggregate level foreign investors are allowed to hold is 49
per cent. The 47.2 per cent stake has increased by 5.9 per cent since March 5, 2009, when it stood at 41.3 per cent
Australian Government: staff required to fly more Virgin airlines to save money
From: Canberra Times (more at: www.canberratimes.com.au) Posted Feb. 26, 2009
The Federal Government's directive to fly on airlines other than Qantas between Sydney and Canberra is not working.
The Finance Department directed all government agencies in February last year to use smaller airlines for at least 25
per cent of the Sydney-Canberra flights, however only 12% was actually done. The worst offenders in September were
the Defence Department and the Australian Bureau of Statistics, which used Qantas for 95% of all flights. ACT senator
Gary Humphries said "we all know that the fares available on airlines like Virgin are lower than Qantas's, and quite substantially lower''
Qantas shares continues to decline – buys back 500,000 more shares
From: The Business Spectator (businessspectator.com.au) Posted April 30, 2008
Qantas bought back 500,000 shares on-market ($3.41) on April 23, and now have only 104,437,576 shares still outstanding. This is a price
change from previous trading day of -2.3% and a market capitalization of only $6.8 billion after being offered over 11 billions just 10 months
ago (38% down).
Qantas Rebooks passengers to accommodate other airlines
From: Press release from Hong-Kong Transport and Housing Bureau (posted: April 11, 2008)
Emergency measures coordinated by the Hong-Kong Government in response to the bankruptcy of Oasis Hong Kong Airlines have resulted
in “special arrangements, which include extra flights, special one-way tickets with discounted fares and priority bookings” on Qantas
according to a spokesman for the Transport and Housing Bureau. “We appreciate very much the quick response and prompt assistance
offered by the airlines operating on the Hong Kong - London routes” the spokesman said. How much Qantas passengers appreciated being
re-routed was not disclosed.
Flight delays at Sydney airport
From: 7 News (au.news.yahoo.com) Posted April 5, 2008
Half of the air traffic controllers at Sydney airport have called in sick, causing flight delays. Qantas confirmed flights had been delayed by
between 30 and 60 minutes. Airservices Australia (ASA), which is in charge of air traffic control, said it had three of its six controllers call in
sick for the afternoon shifts. "We have fewer controllers than we'd have on a normal shift so we have had to reduce the number of arrivals
and departures into Sydney to maintain safety."
Qantas Plane with Dents and a possible Hole
From: Nick N at Sydney Airport Message Board (yssyforum.net) posted April 3, 2008
Spotted this the other morning and took a few
pics. What would cause that sort of pattern denting
on the lower fuselage? [Ed: Qantas plane
registration VH-TJO]
Analysts “Qantas will loose $200 million next year”
By A. Carswell, News Australia (www.news.com.au) Posted April 3, 2008
QANTAS will have $200 million wiped from its earnings when Virgin Blue's new international carrier V Australia becomes fully operational,
analysts believe. V Australia will start its first flight on the Australia-US route later this year, elbowing its way into one of the most lucrative
markets in world aviation. With only United Airlines to compete with, the trans-Pacific route has been a cash cow for Qantas for years. Now V
Australia looks set to grab a slice of the action, a move that analysts believe could add at least $100 million to Virgin Blue's annual earnings.
V Australia will connect our cities with the west coast of the US with its new Boeing 777-300ER. Its initial price offering of $1899 for a return
ticket from Sydney to Los Angeles undercuts Qantas' best fare on the route by 16 per cent.
Qantas Fights to Keep Monopoly Status
Input from: Asia Travel Tips (www.asiatraveltips.com) Posted Mar. 16, 2008
In order crush competition and maintain its monopoly status, Qantas is to operate a record 47 services
to the United States each week, when it commences new services from Brisbane and Sydney from 27
March. Qantas Executive General Manager, Mr John Borghetti, said, "Importantly, the additional services from Brisbane will see Qantas offer
a daily, non-stop service between Queensland and California for the first time. "These additional flights will add around 800 seats each week
on the route, providing new travel opportunities for Queenslanders and for Americans visiting Australia." In doing so Qantas is expected to
prevent any competitors in entering the market and the move is expected to allow Qantas to maintain its high profit margins on Australian and
American passengers.
Auckland District Law Society: Qantas Fines are too Small
By: Paula Rebstock, Commission Chair, 7 March 2008
President's Speech: "The fact that financial penalties are not enough was demonstrated clearly in Australia when, having been fined for its
role in the air cargo cartel, Qantas Chief Executive Geoff Dixon was quoted as saying “ we do not believe this or any further financial
penalties will materially affect future operating results”. When you consider the $ US 68 million fine Qantas has to pay against the more than
$ US 600 million the airline earned from cargo alone in the six years it is alleged the cartel operated – it is easy to understand why a fine
alone is not seen as a sufficient deterrent".
Qantas lose $240 millions on cancelled IT projects
From: Michael Krigsman at (blogs.zdnet.com), March 2, 2008.
Qantas, has endured two high-profile IT failures in recent years and a third major project appears to be at substantial risk. In many respects,
the company offers a case study for examining how underlying management issues can cause multiple IT projects to go bad. Qantas
canceled its project eQ technology services contract with IBM, four years into a ten-year agreement. The overall program cost was $200
million. In February, 2008, Qantas canceled Jetsmart, a $40 million parts management system. The union said the software unnecessarily
increased its members’ workload. At that time, the union advised mechanics employed at Qantas to “not assist with the implementation”. The
carrier’s 50-year-old IT shop is presently wrestling with the management of 700-odd applications, many of which are written in older
programming languages and is serviced by an aging group of programmers. Peter Gregg’s, the CFO's attitude toward the users seems
bizarre: "We wouldn’t ask the engineers what their views on our software systems were. We’ll put in what we think is the appropriate for us.".
In effect, Gregg has issued a senior-level policy against project success. Steven Purvinas, the union’s Federal Secretary explained the
software was poorly designed and difficult to use, and that engineers didn’t receive sufficient training. Qantas' IT expenditures increased 8%
in the second half of 2006 and 26% in the same period in 2007.
Qantas Buys Jetset: Record profits!
From: Qantas press releases, Feb. 21, 2008
In an effort to reduce competition and maintain high prices, Qantas annouced today that it will buy Jetset. According to a press release the
"proposed merger which will create a leading vertically integrated travel services business in Australia with significant growth potential". As
part of the deal Qantas will get out of some businesses in exchange for Jetset. "Qantas will own 58 per cent of Jetset's share capital". The
merged company will dominate travel in the Australia and New Zealand and be a "top travel business in the region". In a separate press
release, the company annouced that it had record profits of A$905 million for the second half of 2007, fueled by continued high ticket
prices and close to monopoly status in the region.
Two-stabbed: Qantas wants fewer staff - Changes only after Attempted Hi-jacking
The in-flight stabbing of two Qantas flight attendants has prompted the Federal Government to walk away from airline demands for reduced
crewing. Aviation Minister John Anderson confirmed, this week, that Government would not support industry demands for a 28 percent fall in
crew-passenger ratios but FAAA official, Daryl Watkins, is warning of a re-think when memories dim of the near disaster on a Melbourne-
Launceston flight. "Those guys were heroes," he said of union members Greg Khan, 38, and Denise Hickson, 25, "they prevented a serious
incident. "Arising from this incident we have been working hard with Martin Ferguson's office on the issue and Anderson has stated it
(staffing) won't be changed but, give it a year, and it will come up again." Airlines had been pushing hard for a reduction from one crew to 36
passengers to a crew member for every 50 customers. Anderson appeared to be on the brink of green-lighting the proposal before a man
attempted to crash Qantas Flight 1737 last month. Armed with filed down 15cm wooden stakes and what appeared to be a silver aerosol can,
he attempted to take over the plane mid-flight. Crew and passengers fought to overcome him, with Khan being stabbed through the neck and
Hickson slashed across the face. Watkins said the incident bore out the union's argument that crewing was a central safety issue for air
travellers.
Qantas Covers Up Entertainment System Problems
From www.smarthouse.com.au By D. Richards
Airline spin doctors are attempting to cover up a massive failure of the Qantas in-flight entertainment system which has forced passengers to
fly long distances with any form of entertainment for up to a year.The issue first revealed by SmartHouse News a week ago is so bad that
Qantas airline staff have now turned to their Association in an effort to protect themselves from angry passengers. Hundreds of emails sent to
SHN reveal that the problem is widespread across the entire Qantas 747/400 fleet and has been for more than 12 months. last week the
Executive General Manager of Qantas Engineering, David Cox said " We have had some issues with our new on demand IFE system. As with
any complex system, there have been some technical issues. Although we have had some intermittent problems, the system is generally
working well. The problems usually involves a small number of seats and the passenger can moved a different seat in these cases"
We are dedicating considerable resources to address these reliability issues, including through the supplier, Rockwell Collins". The lack of
entertainment on Qantas aircraft is now occurring on most Qantas International 747/400 flights and has been for a long time as emails to
SmartHouse reveal. David Lyons of Sydney said "I travel frequently between Sydney and LAX, 6 times in 2006.Ever since the on-demand
system has been available there has been at least one problem per flight. Everything from no entertainment for the whole flight to more
typically reverting back to the old movie program where movies run to a schedule. I have also had the experience where the controller
doesn't work properly or at all, and where the picture on the screen has been so blurred as to be unwatchable. I am a Gold Frequent Flyer,
but even with this status it is rare to get even a verbal apology. Unfortunatley on the Sydney LAX route there isn't much competition - my
experience of United on this route was even worse! I believe that if more carriers were able to fly this route - perhaps then the Qantas
service would improve and prices fall.
Michael Malyniak of Melbourne wrote " My recent flight from London to Melbourne via HK experienced consistent entertainment problems
(across all classes) resulting in the entertainment system having to first be re-booted (taking 45 minutes) and then be completely shut-down
and restarted (this time taking 1hr15min). On both occasions the entertainment system did not operate. The on-board service manager
however then managed to successfully set up a couple of films (in non "on-demand" mode) by bypassing the Q-Entertainment system
altogether. It took approximately 4hrs from takeoff to establish a mediocre entertainment environment. During this rebooting/restart process
the on-board service manager informed passengers not to touch the controls in their armrest as it would help the system because the system
problems were being caused by everyone accessing the system at once, he said. It certainly is incredibly frustrating as a passenger to be
denied of a so-called world's best entertainment system and more so for the on-board staff who desperately try to fix an issue which is
beyond their control".
Anita Kristina Rozankovic-Stevens said "3 of the long haul flights I have taken in the past year Melbourne-London had major problems with
the in flight entertainment system. And every time the cabin crew 'attempt' to fix it, it has never actually resolved the problem, despite their
assurances. I have seen it affect a few seats and the whole economy class cabin at once. The one thing I am yet to see is cabin staff offer
another seat to a customer with a 'working' entertainment system." She added "I am looking to fly with another airline now because the lack
of services and stuff ups are so common with Qantas that I have began to expect them. After paying thousands of dollars of my ticket
numerous times a year, all I get is a few inches of leg room and an awful meal". Andy Horsefall of Sydney said " I'm a regular traveler on
Qantas (platinum frequent flyer) primarily to Hong Kong and LA/New York. This is not a new or recent problem. On various flights (107/108)
throughout 2006 the system had to be re-booted. So it begs the question that if they are working on it then they have failed to resolve it for
some time which suggests the fix is not an easy nor quick one. And how long have Qantas kept this quiet?
Check-in and Baggage Troubles at Qantas
From: B Cairns (Australia) (Jan 28, 2008) at www.airlinequality.com
BNE-MEL. Having checked in online I was aware that I would simply need to drop my baggage in the Brisbane domestic terminal. Having
travelled on Qantas a few times recently I was aware that their check-in / queuing in Brisbane is woeful. Bear in mind that having checked in
online I am told to arrive at check in no later than 30mins prior to departure and recommended 45mins prior to departure - I had friends drop
me off 90mins prior as I feared the worst. Qantas did not let me down. The bag drop queue extended right throughout 5 or so rows of the
snake in front of the check in desks (many of which were unmanned as usual), right along the baggage reclaim area and almost to Jetstar
checkin. Queuing time to the check in desk was 60mins plus - if you can't meet your own service standards, why continue to print misleading
information regarding cut-off times on boarding passes? The queuing situation causes a great deal of stress, particularly to novice travellers
who fear missing their flights. The haphazard way in which passengers on soon to be departing flights are requested to exit the queue and
"check in immediately" pits one passenger against another - it's really a great way for people to start off a trip. The flight itself, uneventful,
average - Qantas seem to be slowly reducing the service on board at various times of the day, serving miniscule, albeit high quality snacks
and relying on the passenger to prompt for items such as a bottle of water.
Qantas "code-shares" - Passenger pays more for less..
From: Diikkii a Qantas Shareholder (purpleheadedearls.blogspot.com)
Recently, my wife and I flew from Tullamarine to Bangkok. We were advised when we booked the flights that these would be on JetStar, and
this is perfectly understandable, given that it makes perfect business sense to operate code-sharing arrangements. Our problems, however,
started there. Whilst our flights were on JetStar planes, the flight numbers we were given started with QF, meaning that for all intents and
purposes, they were Qantas flights. So you can imagine our surprise when we took our seats to find that all the normal things that we would
expect on a Qantas flight were not there. On Qantas flights, we expect to find meal services, drinks as well as a blanket and pillow. It,
therefore, came as a bit of a rude shock to us to find that we had to pay extra for these on the flight. This is not what one expects when flying
what is expected to be a Qantas flight. While I am doing my best in this not to harp on about what is expected when operating a code-sharing
agreement, the following should be noted: It is the duty of Qantas to ensure that where a code-sharing arrangement exists, an equivalent
level of service is received by the paying passengers. The fact that JetStar was operating the service should in no way be any different than if
the flight was operated by British Airways, Aer Lingus or Burkina Faso Air.
On top of this, at the end of the flight when we went to try to get food, we were told that this was for passengers who had ordered this in
advance and that there was nothing for any other passengers, even if they were prepared to pay. Given all this, we decided to pre-order for
our return flight, and were pleased with the results, however as we were, as has been mentioned before, flying what was in effect a Qantas
flight, this should not have been necessary. JetStar operates clean, new planes with what is probably the most attractive cabin staff I’ve ever
seen. This says more about JetStar’s recruitment policies than it does about me, but they were competent and did their jobs with a smile. It is
a shame, then, that Qantas doesn’t ensure that JetStar provides the rest of the package. Given that Qantas owns JetStar, one would think
that you are in a box seat to ensure that Qantas passengers on JetStar flights are treated with an equivalent level of service to what they
would be if they were on a Qantas flight. This would be a no-brainer with any other company where this sort of thing exists.
An Angry Aussie Explains why he really (really) hates Qantas
From: yobbo.wordpress.com
If you are the type that doesn’t like to read long, whiny posts then I suggest you stop reading now, because I hate QANTAS more than all the
lefties in Australia hate John Howard, if you get where I’m coming from. Warning: The length of this post gives Steven Den Beste a run for his
money, so I’ll do the right thing and include my own cliff note: QANTAS sucks, don’t ever fly with them if you can possibly avoid it. If any anti-
globalisation protestors are reading, please lay off McDonalds for a change and by all means go throw rocks at QANTAS.
The Perth-Singapore route is serviced mainly by 2 large carriers: Singapore Airlines and QANTAS. Anyone who’s done a reasonable amount
of flying around Asia will know that Singapore is probably the best airline in the world, and that QANTAS is easily the worst. It would stand to
reason then, that there would be a bit more demand for Singapore flights, and that they might realise this and put a few more planes into
action, so that the millions of travellers who hate QANTAS aren’t forced to fly with them. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. Singapore flights
are always full unless you book 2 months in advance, so I was again dreading the large amounts of bulls**t and ridiculously bad service that
comes with flying QANTAS. I wasn’t disappointed.
The differences between the two are pretty stark: Singapore, as a company based in Asia, is unburdened by the political correctness
endemic in QANTAS corporate culture that dictates that they must hire the ugliest, rudest old women and most combatitive fauxmosexual men
they can find for cabin stewards. Singapore instead hand-picks the best looking young ladies on the Island and forcibly retires them when
they become ugly. QANTAS apparently gives bonuses dependant on 3 factors: 1.) Ugliness, 2.) Passive-Aggressive customer management
techniques and 3.) Laziness. Master all three disciplines and you might just get made vice-president of customer service at QANTAS.
Singapore also has much better food, and are world leaders in in-flight entertainment. They had the seat-back TV system with Super
Nintendo before just about anyone else, and it’s only recently that QANTAS has tried to catch up, albeit in their own uniquely s**thouse way.
For those who haven’t used the seat-back entertainment system before, it’s basically a pre-programmed system where you can select from
10-20 channels all showing a different looping program consisting of a movie and space filling TV shows. The loop is usually 2.5 hours in
length, so if the movie is only 90 minutes then there will usually be a couple of crappy TV shows like a repeat of “Will and Grace” will all the
sexual innuendo edited out and such. On a flight to Hong Kong you could usually squeeze in 2-3 movies. If the movies are crap you can play
Mike Tyson’s Super Punchout on Super Nintendo until you get to the guy who’s unbeatable, and then go back to watching movies again.
QANTAS have copied the Singapore system piece by piece, right down to the design of the controller/phone pad. Of course, it has been
through a modification in functionality I like to call “QANTASIFICATION”, which, for those of you lacking Yobbo’s 2003 abridged dictionary of
the English language, means something like “Taking something that was really good and making it as s**t as possible with a minimum of
effort” or words to that effect. The first thing QANTAS did with the TV system was take out all the cool retro Super Nintendo games, and
replace them with their own “in-house” games, which were apparently coded by a flight engineer in FORTRAN from the centrefold of a 1978
issue of “Australian Personal Computer”. Titles available on QANTAS include the Christmas blockbuster “Find the matching picture memory
game” and the always popular “We tried to copy Tetris but failed where Indonesian street merchants regularly succeed”. The other clever
innovation QANTAS worked into the system was particularly interesting. Instead of just having 18 channels to choose from like boring old
Singapore, QANTAS decided on the 12/6 system. The 12/6 system is just like having 18 channels except that 6 of them are only available to
Business Class Passengers! That’s right, all 20 of them up there.
Because of their inability to create value for money for business class passengers through the regular channels like, I don’t know, FRIENDLY
SERVICE or perhaps ACTUALLY SUPPLYING DRINKS rather than just pretending to serve them but in reality trying every trick in the book to
get people to sit still and stop fidgeting, QANTAS have had to resort to using the old management trick of “Perceived Equity” to get the
retards who spend $3000 on a flight to keep ponying up the pineapples. *breath* What I mean by this is that QANTAS have restricted access
to the 6 extra channels in economy for the express purpose of making Business Class passengers feel better. It doesn’t cost them anything to
pipe the 6 other channels through every TV setup in the plane. They just won’t let the plebs watch them because they have nothing to offer
their *real* customers except that warm fuzzy feeling that comes from knowing you are superior to the unwashed filth at the back of the plane.
Frivilous as this may sound, it prevented me from watching a film I really wanted to see (”28 Days Later”) for no particular reason, which
pissed me off. AFI winner “Japanese Story” was also restricted to the toffs-only network, which didn’t worry nearly as much when I found out
that it featured a scrawny Japanese MAN rather than dozens of nubile Japanese GIRLS, so stuff it.
The real pisser though, was yet to come. After having planned my viewing program in advance while waiting for the Village People to go
through their oh-so-unnecessary safety demonstration, (look fellas, If the plane crashes I don’t f**king care how the oxygen mask goes on.
Also, I’ll volunteer to carve you f**kers up first if we’re stuck in the Himalayas and out of food.) I had decided on “American Pie 3″ followed by a
random TV program, then the Steven Curry/Vince Colisomo vehicle “Takeaway”. This was the best I could do without accidentally learning
anything, so I was fairly happy. By my calculations that viewing would take around 3 hours and 45 minutes. (Take-away is pretty short, which
is why I picked it). Allowing some time for ascending and descending, I thought it would probably fit in to a 4.5 hour flight. Unfortunately for
me, I had at that point forgotten I was flying on QANTAS, until I was brought back to cold reality. As the Entertainment units were switched on,
the purser announced “Ladies and Gentlemen, before we start our entertainment system, please feel welcome to watch the news and
weather updates from Australia.” Huh? The thing is, there was already a bloody news channel on one of the 12 channels, on which you could
watch the news repeated 5 times on the way to f**king Singapore if you wanted. I don’t watch the news at the best of times, let alone News
from 2 days ago pre-recorded in a QANTAS studio featuring some guy who can’t get a gig on real TV. QANTAS: The whole f**king *point* of
having 12 available channels is that people can watch whatever the hell they want while cramped into your little f**king sardine can of a plane.
*Forcing* people to watch the news defeats the whole f**king purpose of your new entertainment system. A 10 year old child could
understand this. Why can’t you?
In any case, the news (which I didn’t care about) and the accompanied Singapore tourism info (look how clean our streets are yay!) took
about 45 minutes, meaning that I only got to watch the first of my scheduled movies, and the first half hour of the 2nd, before they turned it off
for landing. Thanks a lot (By the way, American Pie 3 is a pretty poor end to the “Trilogy”. They were obviously unable to re-sign Mena Suvari
and Tara Reid, and Chris Klein doesn’t feature either. On the plus side though, the producers have obviously realised that Stiffler (Sean
William Scott) was the key to the success of the first 2 movies, so the 3rd is more or less all about Stiffler, even though it’s not his wedding.)
This all happened on the outbound flight from Perth to Singapore, and along with some of the obligatory rudeness from the service staff,
contributed to what is sadly the best flight I’ve ever had on a QANTAS plane in my life. Sad, but true nonetheless. It was on the way home that
things *really* got interesting.I arrived at Changi Airport a good 2.5 hours before my flight home, and went upstairs to get a feed before the
flight, as I was pretty hungry and wouldn’t be getting an airline meal for at least 4 hours. (Assuming it was edible at all, which is a pretty hefty
assumption.) The food was surprisingly good for an Airport. Got myself a good, old-fashioned steak and chips for SD$9, which is about
AUD$7.50. That s**ts all over anything you’d get at an Australian airport, but Singapore food is surprisingly cheap compared to any other
developed country I’ve visited. With still about 100 minutes to go until the flight was scheduled to leave, I went to the check-in counter to
begin boarding. For some reason, there was a security check before the check-in counter, and it was for passengers only. With nothing else
to do before I left, I said goodbye to my girlfriend and consigned myself to an hour or so in the Airport bar before I took off. HAHAHAHA! This
is QANTAS, Remember?
I lined up in one of the 10 or so lengthy queues for economy check-ins, even though there were at least 7 Qantas business class check-in
counters, none of which has a single person checking in. “Lengthy” isn’t really accurate: There were only 4 or 5 people in front of me, but
they all had a lot of luggage. The girl working at the line I picked was awfully slow. The first 3 couples took about 10 minutes each to check in
for some reason, so it was half an hour before I got anywhere near my turn, and that’s when things went awfully pear-shaped. The couple in
front of me were a problem for some reason. A german bloke, about 50 or so, and his 35-ish Indonesian wife. I think you can work out the
drill. I was thinking they might struggle at Immigration when they got to Perth, but hey, that’s none of my business. Unfortunately, QANTAS
were quite adamant that it was *their* business, and seemingly went to every effort to keep them off the plane. When the woman gave her
passport to the check-in girl, she stared at it blankly for about 5 minutes, then slowly rose to her feet and walked off. I was next in line at this
stage, and quite anxious to get checked in so I could go to the pub. Anyway, this stupid woman walked around the entire bloody airport
showing the passport to all the other QANTAS staff, none of whom were immigration officials of any kind as far as I can tell. She then sat
down and started to talk with another woman who was checking people in at a counter across the concourse. I leant over and started trying to
work out what was going on. The Indonesian woman said that both her husband and herself were permanent residents in Australia, and she
didn’t know what the hell was going on. She shrugged and waited patiently. I was running out of patience fairly quickly as about 20 minutes
had passed since the couple first got to the counter. Nobody had turned up to replace the disappearing check in worker or to instruct the 20
people in the line to move to a different counter. I started to bang the counter and yell “SHOP!” in my best mock-playful tone. (Which is the
tone you use when you are pretending to be kidding around but really aren’t). Nobody took any notice, and myself and the rest of the line just
stood and watched while people who arrived at the check in counter an HOUR before us were checked in through the other lines.
Another 10 minutes passed and I was f**king fed up. I started randomly yelling at people behind the counter to come and sort the situation
out. I’d been standing in line for over an hour and was getting a bit leg-weary. About 5 minutes of shouting later, an important-looking man in
a suit came over and said to the couple “I’m sorry, we are still working out the problem with your visa, can you please step aside while we
check in the other customers in the line?”. Jesus.
2 Questions, QANTAS:
1.) Why the f**k do you care about their visas? As much as you’d like to believe you are, you are not a branch of the Australian government.
They have a valid passport, for f**k’s sake process them and give the power trip away.
2.) WHY THE F**K DID IT TAKE 40 MINUTES TO MOVE THEM ASIDE AND PROCESS THE REST OF THE PEOPLE IN THE LINE?
I got to the counter and requested an emergency exit seat. (Seats in the row with the emergency exit have a bit more legroom, which is quite
handy when you are 6′4″ like me). Once upon, Airlines used to keep these seats open and offer them to tall passengers who couldn’t
otherwise fit into an economy class seat. Not any more. At least, not at QANTAS. I was duly informed that sorry, they are all allocated already,
if you had checked in earlier you might have got lucky. I strongly considered throwing my duty free bottle of bourbon at her f**king head, but
then I remembered that I would need it when I got home. She gave me an aisle seat. The thinking here is that you can stretch your legs into
the aisle if you are cramped for space. It’s a fine theory, but unfortunately all that happens is that the asshole flight attendants simply ram the
trolley into your legs to get you to move out of the way. (Ever hear the words “Excuse me sir, can you move your legs?”?) I’m waiting for the
day that someone gets a broken leg from this and sues QANTAS for every last bloody cent they have. Please god, answer my prayers.
After waiting in line for about 70 minutes, I was finally checked in. With only about 15 minutes to go until boarding time, I no longer had time
for a beer, and took a quick detour to the smoking room to load up on nicotine for the flight. There I found a couple of English lads who
seemed keen for a chat, and I let them in on the secret - that QANTAS is the worst airline in the world, and whatever you do, don’t fly with
them if you can ever avoid it. They were quite surprised, as QANTAS for some reason has a reputation as a GOOD airline. Where that comes
from I have no idea at all. They’ve been s**t as far back as I can remember. Even Garuda is better. In any case, I made a couple of converts.
No need to pay me for the service Singapore - I’ll settle for the address of the hotel where the Singapore girls stay in Perth. E-mail me! I got
on the plane and noticed that the emergency exit seats were full of people who came in at significantly less than 6 foot. I found my seat and
was a little disappointed to find that they had neglected to seat me next to a hot babe. Fortunately, I got the next best thing: An English tourist
with a Manchester United tattoo on his forearm who looked like he liked a drink. Maybe this flight wouldn’t be a total write-off after all! With
dismay I took in my surroundings and realised that our homeward plane was a 767 Longreach. The new, you-beaut entertainment system is
only currently installed on 747-400s run by QANTAS. It’s back to s**tty old 1 movie at the screen right up the front that nobody behind the 8th
row can see. As I was in the 20th row or so, I was going to have to crane my head to see anything if the movie was worth watching. IF.
QANTAS doesn’t bother serving drinks to anyone before the meal nowadays. Not even in business class. Let me just tell you that if I ever did
win Lotto and decide to waste my winnings by flying business class, I’d be screaming bloody murder if they didn’t start offering me drinks as
soon as we were in the air. The super-sweet steward did offer us a bottle of water before take off. This guy was an outlier, he was the only
flight crew member I saw smile during the entire flight. Nevertheless, I rejected his offer of water and said that I would prefer to wait for a real
drink. He gave me a knowing wink.
That was the last we saw of any of the flight crew for the next hour. The movie began and I was not surprised to find that it was an encore
showing of “Takeaway”, which was the film I saw the first half hour of due to QANTAS’ insistence on keeping us all informed of current events
on the flight from Perth. Strangely enough, they didn’t bother with the news this time. I have come to the conclusion that they assume
anybody stupid enough to fly from Changi airport on a QANTAS plane rather than a Singapore one is probably too stupid to appreciate the
news. I would have to concur. In any case, about half way through the movie (Which was about where I got to the first time), it was time to
serve dinner. This meant, of course, that the stewards stood in front of the TV for the entire time. If anyone knows how it all turns out for Little
Trev and Smooth Tony, the plucky Fish and Chip vendors, feel free to let me know, because I couldn’t see anything behind the 200kg
weightlifter who somehow decided that his future lie in the skies as a QANTAS flight attendant. along with our dinner, which was a disgusting
choice of orange cheese-substitute flavoured pasta or Salmon-something-or-other, I finally convinced the steward to give me a drink. I got a
150ml glass of Jim Beam and Coke, which is all of about 4 mouthfuls. My seatmate Tony got himself a can of Fosters. (He’s foreign. It’s not
his fault.) We were finished in pretty quick time and agreed that another drink was in order. We pressed the seatside button and began the
long wait for service. Our drinks came reasonably quickly the first time (About 5 minutes), but the steward was visibly annoyed at having to
actually to actually come to our seat to ask us what we wanted. Typically the drinks are brought around twice on the flight. Once with dinner
and again about an hour and half later. If you don’t ask, you will only be offered 2 alcoholic drinks on a 5 hour flight. This is called “service” in
the QANTAS manual, apparently.
The next round, about half an hour later, was more problematic. I pressed the button again, turning on my light. About 10 minutes later a
steward walked past, looked at me, looked at the light, reached down to my console, turned the light off, and walked away. What the f**k? I
promptly turned the light back on again. 5 minutes later he came back, looking extremely pissed off. “Can I help you with something?”
escaped through his gritted teeth, whereupon I duly informed him that, yes, we would both like another drink. I wanted a Beam + Coke and
Tony a Fosters.By this stage I was getting a bit ahead of Tony due to disparity in the sizes of our drinks. Beer comes in 375ml cans, as I’m
sure we are all aware, but the glasses they give you mixed drinks in are quite tiny. Of course, it’s much cheaper for them to mix duty-free
spirits themselves rather than buy actual cans of Jim Beam and Coke or other pre-mixed cans, so they are really just cheap bastards trying to
save money, and I don’t feel guilty in the slightest for requesting drinks one after the other if they insist of serving them in such tiny amounts.
Would it really be that f**king hard to pack some larger plastic cups?
Anyway, I needed a wedge, and it was becoming pretty crowded in the aisle. The stewards weren’t even bothering to look at the lights any
more, So I wandered up to the bar to get one from the source. They were sitting there, seemingly bored, chatting amongst themselves. I
stood there for a few minutes before one of them worked out that I wasn’t just lost. Drink #5 was acquired with little more than a disgusted
glance. About half an hour out of Perth, Tony and myself were back on level footing, and thought we may as well get one more since we were
having a good time chatting about the relative benefits of living in Australia vs England, the best red light districts in Asia and such things.
Buzzer was pressed and a rather confused looking steward appeared.
“YES?” “G’day, I’ll have a Jim Beam and Coke and he’d like a Fosters please. Thanks.” The guy just wandered off, seemingly at a loss at
what to do. We realised what the gig was when the big-time HEAD STEWARD came and sidled up to us. “Sirs, are you driving home tonight?”.
What the f**king s**t f**k? Seriously, at this stage I really wanted to tell this f**kwit exactly what I thought of his question and his f**king attitude,
but that sort of thing is illegal now. Talking to a steward in a raised voice is known as “Air Rage” nowadays, and likely to get you restrained
and/or arrested after landing. With no other option but to eat s**t and play the game, we answered his ludicrous question in the negative.
Does anyone EVER drive home from the Airport? It costs about $100 a day to park your car there. If you have that sort of money, you can
probably afford a cab. We were subsequently informed that, very well, we could have 1 more drink each, but after that we are CLOSING THE
BAR. Thank you, kind sir, thank you very much for understanding. We are sorry to cause so much trouble. Can we have our drinks now,
please? Cut off after 5 drinks by QANTAS. In the seats nearby, other passengers looked on in bewilderment. We hadn’t so much as made a
sound during the entire flight that was above a whisper, and the portly Irish bloke across the aisle said he’d been keeping count with us and
had only 1 drink less. In any case, the anti-QANTAS rhetoric that Tony had politely listened to earlier in the flight was revealed to all and
sundry to be the unchallengable and plain truth.
The attitude of staff who work for QANTAS airways is consistent and predictable. This isn’t an unfortunate incident of catching some flight
attendants on a bad day. There aren’t many shorter and less stressful international flights than Singapore-Perth. This sort of attitude is what I’
ve experienced on QANTAS every single time I have flown with them in the last 10 years. A strange sidenote is that many Asian passengers
feel that QANTAS staff are racist in their treatment of Asian passengers. A common theme among many flight reports is that they seemed to
be unfriendly towards them. I’ve got news for you guys: They aren’t racist, they treat everyone like s**t. The only people QANTAS will treat
with respect are business class passengers and baby boomers: That is, people who are likely to kick up a fuss if you treat them like s**t.
Everyone else they treat with utter disdain and an attitude that screams “You plebs should be eternally grateful that we even LET you on the
PLANE! How dare you ask for service. Who am I, your mother?” QANTAS doesn’t deserve to exist. I have all my fingers and toes crossed that
Virgin sends the f**kers broke. Australia is counting on you, Mr Branson.
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