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Qantas: Welcome aboard Qantas, sir. May I see your ticket?
Qantas: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Qantas: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Qantas: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Qantas: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Qantas: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for
you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Qantas: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger:  What?
Qantas: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Qantas: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate.
But, first I need that $10.
Passenger:  No way!
Qantas:  Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger:  Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Qantas:  No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger:  Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Qantas:  Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger:  Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Qantas: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger:  The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Qantas:  Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger:  I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Qantas:  Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger:  But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Qantas: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger:  For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Qantas:  Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory

No Legroom for 13 hours - Written by a passenger in-flight (fun story)
From: Michael Kiely (http://michaelkielymarketing.blogspot.com) To:Managing Director Qantas Airways

Have you flown your own airline economy class to an overseas destination laytely? I can’t believe you have. No sane person would
knowingly subject fellow human beings to such discomfort. Only the rich and the footsoldiers of the rich can afford comfortable air
travel today. Forget the toxic food and queues for the toilets. I can live with that. It’s space I need. As I sit here on QF129 to LA (13
hours) I cant open my laptop far enough to see the screen and type.
I know who decides how much space I have. You. Because you set the revenue targets and they determine how many rows of seats
you put in each aircraft and therefore how little space is available to the passenger in each seat. I can see those little rubber strips
on the floor covering the train tracks you slide the seats along. How do you determine how much space to allow between seats?
Measure out how much a normal human being would require for a comfortable experience, and then shove it back far enough to
guarantee no sitting position is painless? If the aim is to cause sufficient pain that you force us into business class for a fat margin, I
can help you there. Why not hire some really hard bastards with big sticks to whack economy class passengers on the
head until we agree to pay for an upgrade? This is only slightly more ridiculous than what you do to us already.

Fun maintenance stories from Qantas Employees and Pilots
From: www.rb-29.net

After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered
with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in
writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as
recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Not affiliated with Qantas airlines -
in fact, they hate us